“You’re the one people turn to when life gets hard. The steady friend, or dependable partner. The helper who always knows what to say. And while you pour your heart into making sure everyone else is okay, when it comes to caring for yourself… it feels complicated. Maybe even impossible. Why does the same compassion you freely give others feel so out of reach when you need it most?”
The Roots of Over-Functioning
The word “parentification” is well known in psychology to mean a consistent pattern of behavior where over-functioning adults in their early childhood felt they needed to take on their caregiver’s problems or emotions to the point that the child may learn that their needs are less important.
Fast forward to adulthood; maybe your caregivers were overwhelmed themselves. Maybe they expected you to be “the easy one” or praised you because you were self-sufficient, while they missed understanding your feelings of frustration or sadness.
As an adult now, maybe you learned that it’s safer to be helpful than to be vulnerable, or you learned that being helpful comes from what you do rather than how you are really feeling. You could have learned to trust that caring for others is how you stay connected, therefore feeling needed, which could drive you to over-function.
An ineffective way “overfunctioners” tend to cope with their past environment can involve becoming a perfectionist, possibly due to past childhood trauma, including emotional neglect, harsh criticism, or growing up in an unpredictable household. Once becoming an adult, this can be a way to gain some sense of control since experiencing childhood trauma typically leads to feelings of powerlessness.
The pursuit of “perfectionism” usually leads to a self-sustaining cycle of striving because of an intense fear of failure and a lasting belief that nothing they do is ever, or will be, “good enough.” This fear-driven chase of perfection usually ends in avoidance behaviors, procrastination, and a constant focus on their own considered flaws, or they tend to minimize rather than acknowledge accomplishments made. Perfectionists, who tend to set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others, are excessively self-critical of their mistakes and may often experience low self-esteem.
You don’t have to keep pushing yourself to impossible standards. There’s space for rest, growth, and kindness toward yourself. When you’re ready, support is here to help you step off the cycle of perfectionism and find a more balanced way forward.
The Cost of Carrying It All: The personal cost
One of the most noticeable personal costs of “carrying it all for others” is the feeling of constant exhaustion, which can lead to a consistent state of emotional, mental, and physical burnout. While in this constant cycle of doing more, you could start feeling tired all the time; feelings of being overwhelmed with being asked to do yet one more small project suddenly feel insurmountable. As a result of feeling burned out, you begin to feel a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. To add to the experience, feelings of resentment and frustration of having to do so much could start to set in as others don’t seem to appreciate what you do for them or your hard work.
The continuation of giving to others can lead to an undermining of your sense of self while having the need to feel “needed” and appreciated by others in your life. The cost of the mental load of over-functioning can turn into chronic stress, which can cause problems with the body’s immune system, headaches, sleep deprivation, lack of energy, constant feelings of overwhelm, loss of appetite, or overeating, among other consequences. When the body tries to warn you of what could be going wrong, you might say to yourself, “I need to keep going, or I might lose control.” You may start taking over-the-counter medication just to keep you going while neglecting your own needs, possibly risking long-term health consequences.
You don’t have to wait until your body forces you to stop; there’s another way forward. Support is here to help you find balance, care for yourself, and reclaim your energy.
The cost of disruption in relationships
When taking on others’ responsibilities, the over-functioning adult unintentionally enables the other person in the relationship to become the person who underfunctions. This relationship can cause one person to be held back by the other person from being accountable in their relationship. This relationship dynamic could lead to one person feeling like a “child being parented” rather than feeling like an equal partner.
When the over-functioning adult has a hard time trusting that the other person can handle things without their help, combined with the reluctance to ask for help, it creates a one-sided system where they consistently give while not receiving the much-needed support from the other. In turn, this disruption in the relationship can slowly start to break down emotional intimacy and mutual respect, causing an emotional distance between the partners.
I would give you some practical solutions to overcoming challenges to over-functioning in your life. Before I do so, I want to discuss the possible obstacles that could get in the way of leading a life free of over-functioning. Change can be hard, even though it’s important for your well-being. Making changes after years of responding the same way to over-functioning may feel harder than not changing at all. Oftentimes, it’s good to be aware of what obstacles could get in your way before figuring out how to move forward with change.
You don’t have to face these challenges alone, as awareness is the first step toward meaningful change.
With support and guidance, it becomes easier to recognize what’s holding you back and take small steps forward.
There are three specific challenges to overcoming over-functioning that you can consider that may be affecting you now.
Internal obstacles
Internal obstacles can be difficult barriers for you to overcome because it feels like over-functioning has become a part of you, since it has been how you have survived since childhood. The internal hardships, for example, the need to feel in control of everything around you, could make it hard to change. Another internal battle that can stop you in your tracks could be the deep need to feel you are useful and capable. This drive often feels like a strength; after all, who doesn’t want to be seen as dependable and capable?
When it becomes the only way you measure your worth, it can keep you stuck. You may push yourself harder and harder to please others, chasing short bursts of approval or happiness that never seem to last, leaving you more exhausted in the end. The experience may cause you to feel like you’re riding a hamster wheel, constantly moving but never actually getting anywhere. No matter how much effort you put in, the wheel keeps spinning, and stepping off feels impossible. You may collapse into bed at night exhausted, only to wake up and start running all over again. It’s a cycle of doing, giving, and striving without the pause or rest your body and heart deeply need.
You don’t have to keep running on that wheel; there is space to pause, breathe, and find a steadier rhythm. With the right support, it’s possible to step off the cycle of exhaustion and move toward a life that feels more balanced and nourishing.
Emotional obstacles
Several negative feelings can result in keeping you on that hamster wheel. One of the emotions you may be experiencing daily could be “guilt” for deciding to rest as your mind starts to race, thinking, “there is so much to do, and yet here I am lying around when I should be doing those things.” Another emotion that you may be feeling is “shame” when you ask others for their help with something, or they help you, causing you to think that you are needy or “weak” for accepting their help. For you, it may be that pulling back from over-functioning could bring up fear.
You may worry that if you stop controlling, fixing, or managing everything, the people you love will be disappointed or worse, that your relationships somehow won’t survive. You could start to feel a “loss of purpose” when you’re no longer constantly “doing”; this can feel deeply unsettling, almost like a part of you has gone missing. It’s completely natural to wonder, “Who am I if I’m not the one holding everything together?” That question can stir up fear, sadness, or even emptiness.
Please know, there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way; it simply means you’ve carried so much for so long. Finding a new, more balanced rhythm doesn’t erase who you are; it could actually make room for more of you to shine through.
You deserve a life that feels lighter, where caring for yourself is just as natural as caring for others. With support, you can begin to create space for rest, balance, and the parts of you that have been waiting to shine.
External obstacles
While the internal and emotional struggles are important to mention, the external environment often enables a pushback against change that you may be unaware of. I will mention complications that you could be experiencing in your life that make it hard to make the necessary changes you would like to see in your life.
The first challenge in life can be the relationships you have in your life. Over-functioning rarely exists on its own; it is usually in conjunction with a person who may be under-functioning (the one who does less in the relationship). When the over-functioning individual starts to step back from over-functioning in the relationship, probably due to feeling exhausted, the under-functioning individual begins to feel frustrated that they now have to take on responsibilities they were not used to in the relationship.
This shift in the relationship can start to feel like it exposes the unhealthy dynamic between an over-functioner and an under-functioner, which feels familiar and therefore feels safe. The over-functioner’s constant desire to control, fix, and manage everything is met by the under-functioner’s reliance, immaturity, and tendency to avoid responsibility. This cycle shows how the actions of one partner unconsciously reinforce the behavior of the other, creating a counterproductive but predictable system.
The expectation to continue over-functioning for others can make it nearly impossible for you to change, as they have grown used to you doing everything for them. Others in your life could become disappointed, angry, or may even complain about how you have always given to them before. This can add another layer of guilt and possible feelings of resentment after trying to set boundaries by saying “no.”
In societal norms, over-functioning in women is celebrated and normalized. The societal messages women tend to receive are the understanding that “self-sacrifice” is noble, and it can make it hard to see how complicated the behavior could be. This external validation can make it hard to understand how it may be harming you when the behavior is being praised by others, with the expectation that giving can be done.
If you recognize yourself in these struggles, please know you’re not alone and you’re not broken. Many people find themselves caught in the cycle of over-functioning because it once helped them feel safe, valued, or connected. Wanting to step off the hamster wheel doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re ready for something more worthwhile. With the right support, change is not only possible, but it can also feel like a relief, a chance to breathe, rest, and rediscover who you are beyond all the performing.
The good news is that you don’t have to keep carrying this weight alone. Therapy can give you a space that’s just for you, a place to pause, breathe, and begin finding a more meaningful way forward.
So… How Do You Start?
Therapy gives you something you rarely get: a space just for you, with no pressure to perform. There’s no need to hold it all together, just room to breathe and be real.
One way we can begin shifting this cycle is through a practical approach I use that helps you notice the unhelpful thoughts driving your over-functioning and replace them with more balanced ways of thinking and responding. Other ways I could start to support you in therapy would be to help you learn to reconnect with your emotions, not by “fixing” anything, but by noticing what’s there and honoring it. We might use a feelings chart to add words to what you’ve been carrying silently for years.
Sometimes, just naming it is the first powerful step toward healing. You’ll learn to set boundaries that reflect your worth, not out of fear or frustration, but from a grounded place of self-respect. You’ll practice speaking up not just to others, but to yourself with compassion and clarity. And in our conversations, when I gently ask things like “Can you tell me more?” or “What does that look like for you?” you’ll start to uncover the deeper layers of your experience.
You’ll begin to make sense of what you’re feeling, why it’s there, and what it’s trying to tell you. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or confused by your emotions, you’ll begin to see them as signals guiding you toward what you need, what matters, and what’s been ultimately missing.
If you’re ready to receive the support you deserve, I will be ready on the other side.
Resources:
Monaco, S. B., & Heesacker, M. (2025). Perceived Family Benefits Overshadowed Parentification in Predicting Life Satisfaction and Relationship Satisfaction. American Journal of Family Therapy, 53(4), 426–449. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2025.2456713
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202211/how-emotionally-immature-parenting-affects-our-adult-lives
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201201/personal-growth-four-obstacles-positive-life-change#:~:text=Emotions.,%2C%20at%20worst%2C%20discourage%20change.